I'm so fucking centered right now
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
