God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
