There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
