Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
