it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
