If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
