She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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