Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Randomize
