I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
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