I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
