We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
