Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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