his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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