You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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