Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
