So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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