There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
