Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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