the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
