i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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