Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
