I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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