my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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