I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
