the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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