you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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