Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
