Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
