I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
