You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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