wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
