He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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