I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
you had me at cake vodka
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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