My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
