Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
