If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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