if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
