Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
