So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
