You can't motorboat a personality
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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