life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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