My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Your mouth is God's brothel.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
