She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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