If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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