Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
