the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
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