Dude my mom stole all your condoms
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
