Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
