Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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