I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
