frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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