i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
