Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just cut my nipple shaving
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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