It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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